2^nd September 2017 

Roy Orbison may have driven all night to get to me… but I was ready for him.

24th August 2017
“Tish and fippsy!” I exclaimed, cursing like a sailor who had just taken a kraken to the sweetbreads.
    I usually reserved such coarse language for supermarket openings but something was rotten in the state of Denmark. And by Denmark, I mean the guttering that lined the roof of my house, because dangling from there I spied some very unwanted guests in the form of Mort, the travelling spine salesman, and his winged children, who I assumed had carried their vagabond father unto his squatter’s perch ‘pon the peak of my dwelling.
    “Get down from there, Mort, you damn squatter!” I cried, my socks pulsing with rage.
    Grinning, Mort hurled obscenities down at me like naughty rain in between gulps from the drum of cooking oil affixed to his back, his trademark method of keeping his own spine so supple and shiny. At the same time, his freakish spawn frolicked amidst the rainwater and leaves which the guttering had collected.
    I’d see them all in Hell before this was over.
    I went to bed about ten.

18th August 2017
Now if I have one regret about moving into my current house, it’s my assumption that the screaming skulls lining the walls of the cellar would eventually get tired or bored and move on, but alas, like my drill sergeant told me when I fought in that war, “Assuming something is like painting a cloud with regret: you need a long ladder.” He was a fucking idiot, my drill sergeant.
        So today, as I was trying to practice my harp-playing on the harp given to me by the woman who holds the world record for shooting the smallest skirting board off a tramp’s eyebrows, I’d finally had enough of the skulls’ subterranean caterwauling and went down there to give them a piece of my mind.
        The skulls blamed their twattish noise on swamp gas and lunar shifts but I wasn’t having any of it so I put an end to their bony (M) nonsense with violent movements. Satisfied that justice had been served, I ate my harp in triumph then settled in for the evening with my Hunter season 1 boxset.