Monday, August 3, 2020

13th June 2017

Well, that’s the last time I try to pull off a bank heist planned by gibbons. Lesson learned there.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

11th June 2017

Ah, diary, how I’ve missed your blank, papery stare.
    I know it’s been a long time since my last entry but Brad Pitt kept me locked in his greenhouse for the past five months. That’s what I get for trying to rustle his cattle, I suppose. I knew the risks going in.
    I finally managed to escape this morning by disguising myself as a pack of Werther’s Original, Brad’s one weakness. Still, my imprisonment gave me plenty of time to think and even taught me a few things, such as how a man can survive on tomatoes and rage alone.
    When I returned home, imagine my surprise at finding an 18th-century sailor squatting in my house. But he cooks a hell of an omelette so I’ll probably let him hang around for now. Although I’ve warned him that if I ever find a single mushroom in mine then I’ll sell him to the shifty wallpaper salesman who lives next door.
    It’s been a long day, it’ll be nice to finally sleep in my own bed again once I’ve reclaimed it from the ghosts in my shed.

Saturday, July 18, 2020


29th January 2017
Today’s to-do list:
   1. Prove the existence of carpet.
   2. Get that monkey out of my pantry.
   3. Remind Elton John about the £50 he owes me for driving into the bumper of my hovercraft.
   4. Ask Captain Dennehy to give me twenty-four hours to solve the Jennings murder, or the D.A. can have my badge.
   5. Cola bottles.