1st February 2018
“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?” the old philosopher asked me from across my kitchen table.
    I leapt up onto the table’s freshly greased surface and played a 45-minute drum solo while I gave the question some thought.
    Eventually I returned to my chair, gave the philosopher a knowing smile and said, “Francis Bacon’s bacon-arranger.”
    The philosopher nodded, very slightly, then rose to his feet and climbed back down the plughole in the sink.
    Having taken another step on my journey to enlightenment, I startled a passing executioner in celebration.

19th January 2018
I woke up in the trunk of a car being driven by a couple of swarthy sailors who had taken to agreeing to all manner of nefarious work to secure their moist passage back to that fair old emerald isle of Luxembourg.
    “Lo, you inflated swine!” I cried, like a man trapped in a cage of his own imagined marzipan.
    And yet, there came no reply. I wondered if that was because I didn’t actually know what “Lo” meant.
    Then, to my thrusting amazement, the trunk was opened and who was standing there, greeting me with a Cornish pastie and a look both wounded and forthcoming? That’s right: the man standing behind you right now!
    Only joking.
    Or am I?!
    Yes.