18th October 2017
I climbed out of the shattered husk of my night-cocoon, ready to strut my way through another day like a funky tractor in a sex factory.
    Suddenly all that had to wait, however, when I received a call on my space-phone from the Space League of Space Planets in the Space, the intergalactic federation I’d joined for some reason. Captain Porkloops told me there was no time to waste, a fleet of alien death-ships was heading for Earth and I was the planet’s only hope.
    “You can rely on me, Porkloops, you weird bastard!” I exclaimed like a trembling greenhouse.
    Then I remembered I needed a new spirit level after a demon ate my previous one, so I went to the shop instead.
    It was hours later when I remembered Porkloops’ urgent warning, at which point I called him back from my space-phone and asked him if he needed my spirit level pressed against something, assuming that would solve the alien death-fleet problem. Porkloops’ ugly, pulsing son answered and revealed his father had raced to Earth and sacrificed his own life to destroy the alien threat while I was at the shop.
    I cursed my new spirit level and knew that from that day on, like my soul, that green bubble would never be truly central.
    PORKLOOOOOOOOPS!